Ready, steady…..and STOP….
9th January 2018
Happy New Year guys!! So where do I start…Well firstly I have missed blogging and talking to you. Thanks for all the DM’s and messages of love and concern you sent through Twitter and Instagram. I guess that is a really positive side of social media that we sometimes forget, we can communicate even if we don’t have each others numbers or emails.
So let me try and explain how I ended up having Christmas in hospital. A few months ago I was running around doing a load of stuff and if I’m honest I was very stressed and totally overworked. Being a creator is awesome but it does mean you do everything most of the time for yourself with no real set working hours or a weekend off.
Also I had just lost a great intern and started working with people that kept letting me down or worst still filming content badly so I was unable to upload on my Youtube channel. I literally was organising guests for my podcast, channel, trying to review films and go to screenings and then edit upload and post. Sounds easy but it really isn’t, well not for me at that time. Congrats to those that can do everything and still keep it together, please feel free to share your tips in the comment section below.
I have never accepted failure or excuses so every time something went wrong I was upset with myself more then anyone else and was putting even more pressure on myself to be perfect and get it right the next time. I know, I know that’s the wrong way to treat yourself or how to work. I have always been a workaholic and found balancing a personal life and relationship super difficult. If I’m honest I just work and accept I can’t have the rest. Totally the wrong way to think I know and I’m learning if all I am is my work I really will be defined by just that. So if work goes bad one day that will ruin my whole day and I don’t want to feel like that. But this is years of being like this, so it’s going to take me a little while to fix these bad habits and get a better balance of life.
My friends Saz, Amber and Antz were all taking time out of their schedules and jobs to help me when they could but I kept feeling so guilty for putting them out. Again another habit I have to fix, stop second guessing peoples intentions and why they do what they do. These three are amazing and truly have nothing but love for me even if I do their heads in most of the time so I have to just learn to say ‘thanks’ and ’shush’.
During this busy confusing time I got what felt like a cold and cough, I took Lemsips, painkillers and cough mixture and kept going. My body still felt yuck and I was feeling totally disappointed in some of my awesome projects not going to plan due to a lack of a support and time.
There is a lot more but basically the stress at this exact time was too much… work, bad time management and people with agendas using me for creative ideas and support. I felt hugely lost and started losing faith in a lot of people.
All the time this was happening I kept getting asked ‘Max don’t you miss radio’ ‘ Max you are such an awesome presenter don’t waste your life and talent on a blog and online’. The stress of peoples judgements on my decisions and lack of understanding or support also preyed on my mind, I’m an over-thinker which doesn’t help right. So as my dad would say I would procrastinate so much.
Plus two of my best friends who I had lost contact with because of negative energy both were back in life. Bad decisions hoping people would change, I realise I now have to love them from far.
The music and entertainment world is where I have spent years working achieving and progressing in. The blogging world is new and in a lot of ways I’m starting from 0- eventualy 100. It’s funny I always found it similar to what I did for big corporations but it’s not as respected by the mainstream media for some reason. Also it can be confusing when a lot of creators and bloggers that I was meeting seemed more focused around invites to fancy events/parties, free product and Instagram followers.
I have found it hard not connecting with fellow creative bees like me, people that want to make dope content to entertain, enhance and educate.
When I think about sharing my fav artist in music or designer it’s not to get free tix to see Rihanna live or get Chanel to send me a bag it’s to share someone or something that rocked my world for you to discover and enjoy also.
Anyway all this is in my mind too ‘Am I in the right industry’ ‘Why do people always want to know my Instagram before they look at my blog or what I do?’ ‘I’m not like most of this girls, and I feel so different, where do I fit in’.
All this is going on while I’m trying to do a weekly podcast and film content…… The pressure must have just got too much for me, but as always I didn’t listen to my body and chill or go to the doctor. I let it get soo bad that I was rushed to hospital, that’s when everything had to stop and I could’t control it. I’m told I have an awful viral infection ( which they are yet to diagnose) with Glandular fever for over a month and somehow just kept going. The medical team tell me my immune system is rock bottom and I wasn’t drinking enough water so had very low blood pressure. The 12 days I was in hospital I was put on a drip for liquid and hardcore antibiotics and pain relief.
The hospital process was incredibly intense and emotional for me. I had no idea when you go in as an emergency patient in an ambulance you still have to wait quite awhile to be seen due to the lack of doctors, nurses and beds. What you see on the news is so right the NHS is in a right mess. After an hour I got blood tested, injected a drip, my blood pressure done and given incredibly strong pain relief. I then got admitted and put in a room by myself as the doctors had no idea what I had at that point they didn’t know if it was contagious but knew it was a bad infection.
12 days later, with loads of prodding, poking and tests I finally got sent home with a bag of medicine and told that even though I wasn’t better I was at more risk of catching another virus at hospital from other patients. My blood pressure is low and I have to drink a lot more water, my throat and mouth still soar, steroid gargle tablets and strong pain killers for the other aches.
I had family fly in from Spain and my cousin and bestie looking after me and I appreciate them so much. You forget sometimes how lucky you are to have people that love you and care for you unconditionally. We all need to spend less time focusing on the ones that let us down and more on the ones that have our backs, especially moi.
As I sit here blasting the new SZA and Kendrick catching up on all the dope new music I have missed in the last few weeks rocking my Harry Potter hoodie I want you know it’s ok to take a break now and then. Why do we think unless we are going at maximum all the time we are not good enough? Maybe that’s just me, today was Bafta launch and on the weekend it’s the Brits launch, skipping both for the first time as I have been told to rest and let me body heal at its own pace. It’s super frustrating that I’m not fully recovered and have to chill the f out for however long it takes.
I have watched the most TV over the last few weeks #SaveMe…. ‘Come Dine With Me’ overload and every damn thing on Netflix. By the way as my new music playlist is blasting while I’m writing this I can’t believe I like this new Lily track, it’s a vibe not sure about new JT but new Bruno and Cardi is fireeeeee!! Anyway I’m losing my train of thoughts…. music is such a distraction in a good way.
I want to do a separate post for 2018 with my thoughts and loads of inspo that I would like to share with you lot. I have noticed aside from you loving music, movies, fashion and my interviews on my blog in 2017 you are searching for support with flipping life. Such a big word ‘Life’ I want to create a lot more content to really get you motivated and put you in a happier place. Expect loads more to help elevate your mind, body and soul.
Finally want you to know I love you loads and appreciate the support, kindness and support with my blog and projects. I wish you all happiness, health, success and that all your dreams become reality in 2018. Please look after yourself and don’t end up in hospital like me.